NEW YORK—Admitting that he initially started to panic upon discovering that federal prosecutors were investigating him for charges of bank and tax fraud, Michael Cohen reportedly expressed relief Monday after remembering that it is illegal to charge a lawyer with a crime. “Wow, I was really freaking out there for a second thinking I was definitely going to prison, but then I remembered you have immunity from all criminal charges when you’re a lawyer,” said Cohen, adding that his concern over the mounting evidence that he was involved in multiple crimes while serving as President Trump’s lawyer disappeared after he recalled the part of getting admitted to the bar that makes questioning a lawyer about anything they’ve ever done a Class A felony. “I can’t believe I almost forgot that lawyers are the part of the legal system who talk about the laws when they prosecute and defend people for crimes, not the people who actually have laws applied to them. Lawyers obviously get attorney–legal system privilege. Jeez, though, that was close.” At press time, Cohen was growing even more relaxed after recalling all the lawyers he knows who have committed scores of illegal acts and never received any punishment whatsoever.

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