WASHINGTON—Reminding party officials she wasn’t sticking around past November 8 and that they could all “kiss [her] ass” after that, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly informed the Democratic National Committee today that they would be completely on their own once the election was over. “You dipshits better get someone else lined up to make your little speeches about the power of unity and compassion, because in a couple weeks I’m done with this bullshit,” said Obama, who noted that, come Election Day, the Democratic Party would no longer be able to trot her out whenever they needed an uplifting and intensely personal message that could win over crucial voters. “I can’t keep bailing your asses out every time you fuck this up, so don’t get used to it. I’ve got my own shit to deal with, and I’m not just going to drop everything because one of you dumbfucks screwed the pooch again. You little pricks need to learn to handle this on your own. You got that?” The first lady added that if any of those DNC fuckers ever tried to get Sasha or Malia to be in some bullshit campaign ad, she would slit their throats.

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