GREENVILLE, SC—In an effort to help clarify the candidates’ positions for voters watching at home, CBS debate moderator John Dickerson asked the Republican presidential hopefuls Saturday to be specific when describing the hellscape the country would inevitably become if they were not elected. “Candidates, you will each have 60 seconds to describe the veil of nightmarish depravity and cataclysmic destruction that will envelop this nation if you do not become commander-in-chief,” said Dickerson, instructing each candidate to lay out precisely when and how each of the values and principles Americans hold dear will be stamped out of existence by the forces of sin and replaced with chaos, misery, and unspeakable carnage. “Please specify which kinds of barbaric deaths Americans should expect in the bleak future that awaits should they not cast a ballot for you. Also, feel free to expand on the types of grotesque and degenerate acts that, in a world where you do not occupy the Oval Office, will become a normal part of everyday life. Remember, voters are looking for a candidate who can clearly explain whether the smoldering, lifeless expanse we once called America will be covered in dust, ash, or the blood of innocents.” At press time, Ted Cruz was reportedly detailing a horrific, apocalyptic vision of a nation left ravaged by paid family leave, financial reform, and wind power subsidies.
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