‘Get A Move On, Assholes, Some Of Us Want To Get Home After A Long Day At Work,’ Special Counsel Screams At Demonstrators

WASHINGTON—Laying on his horn while stuck in bumper-to-bumper gridlock, an annoyed special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly screamed at “dipshit protestors” from his car Thursday as a MoveOn rally held up traffic during his nightly commute. “Get a move on, assholes! Some of us have actual paying jobs and want to get home to our families after a long day at the office,” shouted the frustrated former FBI director, rolling down his window and berating the thousands of protestors to “shut the fuck up already” so he could “get out of this goddamn city.” “Seriously, don’t any of you people have jobs? It’s 5 p.m. on a Thursday. And hello? What happened to using sidewalks or speaking in a reasonable tone? Jesus, this shit should be illegal.” At press time, Mueller had reportedly been arrested for beating a protestor unconscious after the demonstrator kicked a dent into the side of his car.

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