Illustration for article titled Mueller Gives Up Trying To Get Report Published After Receiving 19th Literary Agent Rejectionem/em

WASHINGTON—Deciding it was time to “let the dream die,” Special Counsel Robert Mueller gave up trying to get his report on Russian election interference published Thursday after receiving his 19th literary agent rejection. “There was one agent who claimed he really liked my stuff, but didn’t think he could get any of the publishing houses to bite,” said Mueller, who described his report as a classic tale of deception, greed, and international intrigue exposing the rotten core beneath the superficial veneer of American politics. “I really put my heart and soul into this, so it hurts getting a form rejection letter from someone who obviously didn’t even read it. I used to pin them to the wall for motivation, but now I’m running out of room and that’s just super depressing. I still think the report is really compelling and has a lot of fun twists and turns. I even got a subscription to Publishers Weekly, but now I’m out 500 bucks and have nothing to show for it. I’m sure as hell not going to self-publish an e-book on Amazon. I guess maybe it’s time to just admit defeat.” At press time, Mueller reportedly elected to destroy his original manuscript rather than take an agent’s suggestion to edit the draft down to a 250-page YA investigation.

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