‘Jesus, I Can’t Handle Dealing With This Fucking Idiot,’ Announces Special Counsel

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it was probably the worst mistake he has made since starting the investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller told reporters Wednesday that he immediately regretted coercing Michael Cohen to flip on the president after having to spend time with him. “At first, I thought that getting Cohen to cooperate would be great for the case, but Jesus, I can’t handle dealing with this fucking idiot,” said a visibly irritated Mueller, explaining that gaining valuable evidence on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election straight from a source deep within Trump’s inner circle just wasn’t worth hearing the “smug, insufferable moron blathering on and on.” “We’re only a quarter of the way through, and this obnoxious dumbass is already on my last nerve. I should have just let him go to trial—this is excruciating.” Mueller later conceded that he was happy that Manafort hadn’t flipped yet because he doesn’t think he could handle “30 seconds in a room with that annoying shithead.”

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