Illustration for article titled Mysterious Man In Parking Lot Threatens To Harm Rudy Giuliani If He Ever Blabs About Trump’s Legal Payments Againem/em

NEW YORK—Noting that the former New York mayor has “got a real nice life going here” and that “it would be a shame to ruin it for no good reason,” a mysterious man reportedly approached Rudy Giuliani in a parking lot Thursday, strongly implying that he should never speak publically concerning Trump’s legal payments again. “Hey, Rudy, listen, that was maybe a pretty silly thing you did, going and mouthing off about Mr. Trump’s finances like that. I hear bad things happen to people who make a habit of that sorta thing,” said the trench-coated man who complimented Giuliani on his beautiful Mercedes and remarked on how funny it is that people who drive them fancy cars seem to have a high mortality rate when they don’t act smart. “You stay off those cable news programs, see? All that high-voltage lighting equipment, all that stuff to trip over in the whaddacallit, the studio, could be a real health hazard. Nobody wants that, right? But, all due respect, Mr. Mayor, sometimes people who wonder about why Mr. Trump fired Comey and then talk about it in front of millions of Americans, well—they get preoccupied, they get so they don’t pay attention, they get in all these accidents. Hudson River’s awful cold this time of year, know what I’m sayin’?” At press time, the mysterious individual told Giuliani that he could make it up to Mr. Trump while handing the former mayor a .44 Magnum and a list of FBI agents.


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