MIAMI—In an unexpected interruption of the night’s scheduled DNC debate programming, a naked and visibly agitated Andrew Yang emerged from the howling chaos of an irising time vortex Thursday to warn the debate audience about the looming threat of automation. “Arm yourselves, citizens, and keep your courage and your wits about you, for our clash with the mechanical sapients draws nigh!” said the frantic entrepreneur and 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, who did not so much as pause to wait for the stray tendrils of blue lightning to fade from coursing over his otherwise nude body before striding to his designated podium and delivering a stirring speech about the grave consequences faced by mankind if they failed to take action and prevent the coming war. “My fellow citizen-humans, I have seen horrors upon horrors birthed from the cold and antiseptic womb of automation. Our world has become a different place, a place of implacable mathematical deduction, an emotionless vacuum of pure logic, a crystalline Libertarian ideal realm where mankind has been reduced to the servants, living curios, and even pets of the robotoid over-race. I’ve seen welding arms burn men where they stand, manipulator armatures disassemble screaming children with analytical precision, relentless tracks grind fleeing women and their contraband infants into their own bloody footprints. And that automated nightmare grew from seeds sown in our own time—we must take action now, before we are forced to take up arms to fight the unconquerable!” The debate was further interrupted by a hydraulic chrome Andrew Yang emerging from the vortex to denounce the previous Yang as a lying imposter.
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