NEW YORK—Enraged by his public pronouncements regarding that which is yet to be, the almighty gods on high are said to have blinded political statistician Nate Silver this week as punishment for seeking forbidden knowledge of the future. “Any mere mortal who dares trespass into the realm of the Fates by making grand prophecies or electoral projections shall suffer swift and holy wrath,” said Sophioxis, a representative for the all-knowing deities, who added that Silver’s blinding should serve as a warning to all who might venture to aggregate various polling data, weight it by historical accuracy and methodological rigor, and seek visions into the veiled worlds beyond the present over which the gods hold sole dominion. “He who thinks he can see what the gods have yet to reveal must have his eyesight removed forevermore so that he may never again look upon anything. For no man and no endorsement-enhanced statistical model is greater than a god.” Sophioxis added that should Silver defy the gods again by attempting to divine the outcome ahead of the general election, the statistician would be cast into exile and forced to carry the weight of all 538 members of the electoral college on his back for the rest of eternity.

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