WASHINGTON—Saying the insight was their sole source of comfort in an otherwise frustrating election season, Americans across the country reported Friday they’re finding solace in the knowledge that the 2016 presidential candidates are taking years off of their lives by running for president. “This election cycle has been nearly unbearable, which is why I always try to pause and remind myself that every campaign stop, stump speech, and television appearance takes a huge toll on the candidates’ health and well-being, and reduces their life expectancy,” said Dayton, OH resident Kelly Jones, adding that it was heartening to know the stress induced from holding multiple campaign rallies in a single day would later manifest as life-threatening medical conditions in each of the presidential hopefuls. “Whenever I find myself getting worked up about what one of the candidates has said or done, I just remind myself that the endless sleep deprivation on the campaign trail is going to ensure that none of them are around for too many more years. And it’s also nice to think that if they actually make it to the general election, that will just speed along the whole process.” Many Americans admitted the sense of solace was quickly wiped away after remembering that candidates’ corporate donors would be around for a very long time.
More from The Onion