‘This Is…Bad, I Guess—Yeah, This Is Bad,’ Say Left-Leaning Americans

WASHINGTON—Stammering as they struggled to form an opinion about the surprising revelation, the nation’s liberals admitted Thursday they were not sure what to think after hearing U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had waterboarded every suspect in his investigation into the Trump campaign. “I’ve stood firmly in support of Mueller, believing the president must be held accountable for his severe misdeeds, but I’m also against torture, so…I think this is probably wrong? Maybe?” said left-leaning voter Gregory Topper, who at first responded with horror to news that convicted campaign advisers Paul Manafort and Michael Flynn had been repeatedly subjected to simulated drowning, but then added that the nation must do everything in its power to stop a corrupt despot like Trump—and perhaps that included waterboarding, though perhaps not. “This is an attack on our democracy, and these are clearly terrible, terrible people. Even so, we shouldn’t resort to torture, not ever. But is waterboarding even really torture? I mean, you aren’t in real physical danger. Huh. On the other hand, it’s still barbaric and inhumane, so there’s no way I can support this. Or can I?” At press time, liberals around the nation were reportedly reconsidering their opinions on extralegal detention after hearing all suspects in the Mueller investigation had been transferred to Guantánamo Bay.

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