WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly panicked while struggling with the safety devices, the nation’s still-undecided voters reportedly shouted for help Friday when they couldn’t get their seatbelts off. “Help me—it’s stuck,” said Westerville, OH resident Daniel Roark, who has yet to determine which presidential candidate he will be voting for after a year and a half of campaigning, primaries, conventions, attack ads, and three nationally televised debates, adding that the lap and shoulder restraint “is really, really tight” and “hurts [his] stomach.” “Ow, ow, ow. I can’t get this part out of the other thing. I’m pulling on it a lot, but it’s not working. It’s squishing me.” At press time, 30 percent of the undecided voters had cut off their oxygen supply after inadvertently tangling their seatbelt around their neck.

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