WASHINGTON—Hoping to ride a wave of momentum after a historically strong year, the nation’s stomach ulcers predicted Thursday that the Trump administration will provide opportunities for unlimited growth in 2017. “The outlook for the coming year is just fantastic—in fact, we could see an unprecedented expansion of ulcers under President Trump,” said an ulcer representative, adding that the mood around the country was ideal for the prosperity and advancement of the gnawing internal lesions, and that there had already been a record increase in Trump’s first week alone. “For stomach and intestinal ulcers alike, there’s just a new sense of energy and inspiration under Donald Trump. Frankly, we haven’t seen this much confidence since World War II.” Despite its optimism, however, the membrane rupture conceded that the growth of ulcers may within months pale in comparison to that of coronary blockages.

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