Illustration for article titled Nation Suddenly Realizes It Never Had To Worry About John McCain Dying Over Past 8 Years If He’d Become President

WASHINGTON—While thinking about this November’s election and remembering that only a few months remain in Barack Obama’s presidency, Americans throughout the country are said to have suddenly come to the realization Tuesday that they, in fact, never had to worry about John McCain dying over the past eight years had he become president in 2008. “I definitely had a lot of concerns back in ’08 about whether McCain could make it through a single term, let alone two, but I guess he would have been fine all along,” said 52-year-old Grand Junction, CO resident Kathy Lorenz, who, like much of the voting public, looked at the then-GOP nominee eight years ago and figured he’d be lucky to make it to the 2010s. “Seeing him now, he looks pretty much exactly the same as he did back then. Honestly, at this point, I could maybe even see him lasting another couple presidential terms. Huh, who would have guessed? Oh well.” At press time, voters across the nation were letting out a long, low whistle as their thoughts drifted back further to the 1996 candidacy of Bob Dole.


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