WASHINGTON—Claiming it felt queasy just thinking about what the cause could be, the nation’s populace said Monday it was too terrified to look at what Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s recent rise in the polls was attributed to. “I know that he just got a pretty big bounce, but frankly, I don’t think I can handle any more information than that,” said Salem, OR resident Tina Redmond, one of the millions of Americans who had learned of Trump’s 2.5-point increase over the previous week’s polling and were too frightened to find out why. “Once I heard that number, I just couldn’t bear even one more detail. I know if I see a single word of explanation, I won’t sleep for a week—it’s just too horrifying.” At press time, the nation had learned that support for third-party candidates remained high among millennials and was scared to death of hearing anything further.

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