BOSTON—Staring intently forward as she racked her brain for what the qualities could possibly be, local voter Wendy Patterson reportedly found herself unable to recall a single American value while filling out her ballot Tuesday. “Oh, shit, what do we as a nation stand for again? I swear I know this,” said Patterson, squinting and placing her pen to her chin before sighing and looking up at the ceiling as she tried in vain to remember the virtues that America embodied. “I think freedom is definitely one of them, and, what is it—togetherness? No, dignity? Is that one? God, I’m totally screwed.” At press time, Patterson had completely panicked and filled out the rest of her ballot randomly.

Advertisement