WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would radically curtail access to the procedure except under the most urgent conditions, House Republicans on Wednesday introduced legislation that would sharply limit abortions to those necessary to save a promising political career. “This bill amends the federal criminal code to redesignate abortion as illegal except in extraordinarily rare cases where a politician’s future as an elected representative is in jeopardy,” read a joint statement from the House GOP, explaining that unless there was no other way to ensure that a young legislator could continue rising through the ranks in D.C., the bill would bar women unconditionally from terminating a pregnancy. “Abortion is a sin, but we recognize that there may be no other alternative when fulfilling lifelong political ambitions is at risk. That is why this bill is so important to pass into law.” At press time, the bill was amended to clarify that the political careers in question were men’s and that any pregnant female politicians would be required to bring pregnancies to full-term.
More from The Onion