OXFORD, MS—Amid discussions of possibly postponing the debate altogether, Sens. Barack Obama (D-IL) and John McCain (R-AZ) were able to agree Thursday on a new guideline that would allow each candidate one 15-second strangulation during Friday night's presidential debate. "Both candidates will receive two minutes to answer each question, five minutes for discussion, and a one-time-only option to walk over to their opponent's podium and cut off his oxygen supply for up to 15 seconds," a statement from the Commission on Presidential Debates read in part, also specifying that debate moderator Jim Lehrer can exercise his own discretion in determining whether or not the strangulations go over time. "After being choked, the candidate, if still standing, may counter with one of his two allotted empty beer bottles to the head." Because many have agreed the new rule will benefit McCain, the commission has also allotted Obama an optional double-thumbed eye gouge.
More from The Onion