CONCORD, NH—Today's New Hampshire primary, considered crucial to determining 2012's Republican presidential nominee, has excited the tiny percentage of Americans who even give a damn what happens anymore, political analysts told reporters. "What's happening here is absolutely electrifying to the few people still capable of clinging to a shred of trust in any public institution remaining in the United States," said pundit Marcus Brennan, describing the meager segment of the U.S. populace that has yet to be beaten into apathy by two wars, a terrible economy, daily life, and a highly dysfunctional federal government. "Of the citizens glued to their television sets this evening, perhaps as many as .005 percent of them will be awaiting the results with bated breath. It's a great day for America." Tonight's results are expected to impact the upcoming South Carolina primary, which is highly anticipated by the estimated dozen or so Americans who will be remotely conscious of a single fucking thing that's going on by then.
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