Actor and activist Cynthia Nixon is mounting a progressive challenge to incumbent New York governor Andrew Cuomo in a Democratic Party primary that could have far-reaching implications nationwide. The Onion offers a side-by-side comparison of the two candidates.


FAMOUS:

Cuomo: Eh

Nixon: Eh


BIGGEST OBSTACLE:

Cuomo: Proving he’s not a Democratic Party traitor

Nixon: Proving she’s not a TV character


SAME-SEX MARRIAGE:

Cuomo: Convinced enough Republicans to pass it

Nixon: Convinced one woman to do it


POLITICAL LIABILITY:

Cuomo: Campaign manager convicted of corruption

Nixon: Sex And The City 2


PLAGUED BY A HISTORY OF MULTIGENERATIONAL POLITICAL CORRUPTION:

Cuomo: Yes

Nixon: TBD


40-YARD DASH TIME:

Cuomo: 11.8 seconds

Nixon: 9.2 seconds


STANCE ON GUN CONTROL:

Cuomo: Whatever Nixon says she would do

Nixon: Whatever Cuomo said he would do but didn’t


VERY WEALTHY PERSON INSISTING THEY CARE ABOUT RIGHTS OF ALL NEW YORKERS:

Cuomo: Yes

Nixon: Yes