Illustration for article titled Obama Leaves Post-It On Counter With Quick Note Explaining How To Use Extralegal Surveillance Apparatus

WASHINGTON—Jotting down the instructions so the incoming commander-in-chief would be able to quickly and easily access the personal information of the American populace without any hassle, outgoing President Barack Obama left a Post-it note on the White House kitchen counter Friday explaining how to use the government’s extralegal surveillance apparatus, sources confirmed. “Domestic surveillance can be a little tricky—check to make sure NSA is connected to ISP servers first,” read the bulleted message in part, which went on to direct President Donald Trump to “keep trying” several times if a request for communications records from private internet and telecom companies didn’t work on the first attempt. “Select whether data will be collected by individual or in bulk. Download it. IMPORTANT: MAY NEED TO EXPAND STORAGE TO HANDLE ALL DATA. That’s it! Enjoy! P.S. If leak happens, you’ll have to wait a while, then reboot the whole thing.” Obama reportedly also left a stack of classified files regarding American citizens suspected of terrorism overseas on top of the Resolute desk with a note inviting his successor to “help yourself!” to any targeted killings.


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