WASHINGTON—Testing out different phrases and vocal inflections as he has done almost every night for the past seven years, President Barack Obama sat at his desk in the early morning hours Friday rehearsing a defiant speech he’d give to aliens should they one day invade, Oval Office sources confirmed. “We are a proud, resilient species, and we will never surrender to you,” Obama reportedly said aloud emphatically, before pausing to jot down several potential rewordings in his legal pad as well as a double-underlined reminder to himself to “pound fist at end for effect.” “‘This is Earth; it is our home. We will defend our planet, whatever the costs may be. Your technology may be more advanced than ours, but if you come here seeking to harm our kind, we will know your morals are not as developed as our own.’ Yeah, that’s pretty good. Let me try it again from the top.” After later assuring his wife he would come to bed in a minute, Obama reportedly sat for several moments in complete silence, carefully thinking over how he could convey stern eye contact with the life forms should they not possess eyes.
More from The Onion