Illustration for article titled Obama Pushes Job Creation

Following his State of the Union address, President Barack Obama has turned his attention to job creation. Here are some facets of his administration's plan:

  • Everyone permitted one fake college degree per resumé
  • Phasing out second interviews so all three top candidates get hired
  • For one day a week, factories may adopt the wage and safety laws of a Southeast Asian country of the owner's choice
  • Grants to youngsters who are gifted at mining
  • Government program to train unemployed factory workers to weld 500 joints a minute so they stay competitive with robots
  • Offer generous early retirement packages to workers who are extremely good at their jobs, thereby creating four to five new positions for incompetent morons
  • Obama to talk to nation's brothers-in-law one at a time to see if they can make a little something happen at their big-time landscaping businesses
  • Upping education spending to help ensure that Americans' English communication skills are on par with India's and China's by 2018

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