President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks. Here are the key aspects of the plan:

  • To better understand methods of recruitment, each world leader to undergo full process of radicalization
  • Increase production and exportation of American flags by 25 percent
  • Only prop up those rebel militias we’re fairly certain won’t turn on us one day
  • Partner with local paranoid bigots to recognize early stages of extremism
  • Funnel additional $700 billion into Pentagon’s F-35 Joint Strike Fighter program for good measure
  • Launch effort to convince terrorist groups America is sufficiently destroying itself without their help
  • Give things another 2,000 years to simmer down

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