WASHINGTON—Experiencing a rising sense of dread as he opened his eyes Friday morning and noticed the woman asleep beside him, a groggy and confused Vice President Mike Pence reportedly muttered, “Oh God, what happened last night?” upon waking up in the same bed as his wife. “This is Karen’s bed—what have I done?” said a visibly panicked Pence, his fear increasing as he discovered that he was completely naked except for his underwear and pajama pants, while second lady Karen Pence wore no socks or nightcap, her feet and head completely nude. “We didn’t, did we? I mean, I don’t think we did, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. Oh, no, no, no. C’mon, Mike, what’s gotten into you? How could you be so reckless? What on earth were you thinking having that second glass of milk last night? You idiot! You better just hope you didn’t do anything you’ll regret.” At press time, sources reported the vice president was praying that no one would see him as he quietly snuck out of his wife’s bedroom and stumbled back to his own quarters, where he immediately showered in a futile attempt to wash away his shame.

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