FORT MILL, SC—Subjecting his body to intense and highly dangerous levels of stress, an out-of-control Scott Walker was said to be severely hurt Monday after careening wildly between several different stances on immigration. “The human frame simply isn’t meant to handle the kind of physical strain that Governor Walker imposed on himself by veering so quickly and so recklessly between contradictory viewpoints,” said physician James Soroka, who added that the injuries the candidate suffered after he attempted multiple 180-degree pivots in rapid succession on the issue of birthright citizenship were some of the worst he had ever seen on the campaign trail. “Occasionally you see a candidate try something like this, thinking they’re invincible, but no one can tumble that violently across the political spectrum and walk away unharmed. Sadly, the trauma was so severe that he may never make a full recovery.” At press time, Walker had reportedly been severed in half at the torso while attempting to simultaneously hold two completely divergent positions on economic inequality.

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