LONDON—Racking his brain upon noticing the massive infant’s “uncanny resemblance” to himself, a visibly panicked President Trump tried to recall all his recent sexual liaisons after spotting an enormous baby balloon in a crowd of London protesters, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh God, this kid looks, what, maybe five or six months old—so how long ago are we talking?” said Trump, who reportedly struggled to put names with faces as he visualized all the women he had sex with during his 2018 trip to London and his golf course in Turnberry, Scotland. “I’ll deny everything, of course, but the baby looks exactly like me. The tabloids are going to have a field day. Jesus. Well, I’ve fucked a lot of British women, so I guess I better start having someone track them down and pay them off.” At press time, reports indicated the president had shifted tactics and was attempting to convince first lady Melania Trump to announce that she had given birth to the 20-foot baby balloon in secret last year to maintain the couple’s privacy.

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