Paranoid Janet Yellen Hides Entire U.S. Money Supply In Treasury Department Drop Ceiling

Illustration for article titled Paranoid Janet Yellen Hides Entire U.S. Money Supply In Treasury Department Drop Ceiling

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that someone “may be after her” and that she needed to move fast, a paranoid Janet Yellen reportedly hid the entire U.S. money supply Monday in the Treasury Department’s drop ceiling. Yellen, who had recently been sworn in as Treasury secretary, was last seen sprinting down the hallway to her office, carrying a duffle bag containing over 3 trillion dollars in cash and pointing a loaded Beretta 92FS semi-automatic pistol at anything that made a noise. According to sources, the sweaty, wide-eyed economist then darted into an empty room, propped open a ceiling tile with a broom, and proceeded to throw in as many gold bars, treasury bonds, and coins as she could fit. At press time, Yellen was reportedly spotted replacing the panel, falling off of a rickety chair, and quickly hiding an envelope filled with 200 million dollars in her coat before Joe Biden entered the room.