ALEXANDRIA, VA—Embarrassed by the piles of clutter in virtually every room, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly spent the afternoon Wednesday making his house look presentable before the next predawn FBI raid. “The next time the FBI shows up at my door without advance warning, this place is going to be spick and span,” said Manafort, who fluffed couch cushions, folded a basket of freshly washed laundry, and then went room to room to empty waste baskets, noting that the house was so messy that the agents searching for incriminating documents must have thought he was a total slob. “It was humiliating standing there and watching them rifling through my desk drawers, which were just crammed with loose papers and unopened junk mail. Then I almost died when they were rummaging around under the couch and discovered the missing television remote, pieces of popcorn, and these huge clumps of dog hair—at that moment, with all those FBI officers crawling around, I wished more than anything that I had vacuumed.” At press time, an extremely anxious Manafort was hoping the FBI agents that had just entered his home wouldn’t notice he had forgotten to dust around the bookshelf.
More from The Onion