BETTENDORF, IOWA—Shivering and shouting for help as his plan to find his supporters went awry, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg was reportedly trapped in a walk-in freezer Thursday after searching an Iowa diner for its back room with high-rolling donors. “Help! Help! Can anyone hear me? I don’t understand where my donors are if they’re not in this cooler,” said Buttigieg, who had reportedly breezed through the diner, ignoring its clientele, before asking a line cook where the back room with all the wealthy campaign funders was located, getting frustrated at the man’s confusion, and deciding to find it himself by searching for a hidden passageway as the freezer door locked behind him. “I don’t understand—it’s usually right here. They have to hide in the back so we can meet in secret outside the prying eyes of the media and all the poor people. Where is the manager? Why on earth would I enter a rinky-dink joint just to hobnob with a bunch of people eating scrambled eggs and getting five bucks for my trouble when I know there’s a cushy hidden back room where I can talk to voters who matter over a glass of champagne? Jesus Christ, where’s [spokesperson] Lis [Smith] when I need her? I don’t know what I’m going to do. I already called for help in eight languages, and I’m starting to get really cold.” At press time, Buttigieg had resorted to doing his campaign’s “High Hopes” dance in an effort to stay warm.
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