‘Please Guide Me In My Darkest Hour Lord,’ Prays Trump Kneeling Before Portrait Of Himself

WASHINGTON—Lighting candles at the altar before lowering his head in reverence, President Donald Trump prayed for the lord to guide him in his darkest hour Thursday while kneeling before a portrait of himself. “You, the all-seeing, all-knowing, he who stands above all other beings, in my time of need, please show me the way,” said Trump, gazing into the eyes of his portrait and asking for the kind of strength that can only be granted by the almighty himself. “Eternal one, king of kings, I have always served you dutifully and have never forsaken the quest for your glory. In all your omnipotence, I beg that you shine a light and show me how to strike down your enemies. If delivered from this trial, I will spread your word to the ends of the Earth and make sure all of humanity sings your praises.” Trump concluded the prayer by saying he would gladly offer up his children in holy sacrifice for his lord if it would secure his glory.

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