‘This Destroys All Previous Knowledge About The Power Of The Presidency’

Photo: The Onion

NEW HAVEN, CT—At a loss to explain the mysterious nature of the president’s powers, political scientists were reportedly baffled Wednesday by Donald Trump’s ability to end the practice of separating families who cross the U.S. border seeking asylum mere days after stating that he had no control over it. “Just yesterday, he was explaining that his hands were tied and there was nothing he could do to stop children and infants from being forcibly torn away from their parents and put into cages—but then today, out of nowhere, he suddenly issued an executive order doing just that!” said Bruce Ackerman, a constitutional law professor at Yale University, remarking that this inexplicable development will fundamentally upend how the presidency is understood, because there is no theory in the entire field of political science that explains how it could be possible. “No new amendments to the Constitution have been passed, so the powers vested in the Executive Branch should be the same today as they were yesterday, right? And yet somehow, they have changed! Decades of research will be required before we can even begin to comprehend such a phenomenon. In the meantime, we can only sit back and wonder if there are any other powers the president has yet to discover.” At press time, sources confirmed Ackerman and his colleagues had flipped over an original copy of the Constitution and found a list of previously unknown executive powers that appeared to have been hastily scrawled in with a ballpoint pen. 

Advertisement


This example of peerless reportage comes to you from Onion Social News. Onion Social News gives users access to the finest algorithmically-selected journalism, controlling what you see and when you see it for the betterment of humanity and beyond. To learn more, click here.