DURHAM, NH—Blaming those with a differing worldview for sowing rampant discord in society, political scientists at the University of New Hampshire announced Wednesday they had traced the current polarization in American democracy to those fucking idiots on the other side of the aisle. “The analysis we conducted indicates the growing divide in political attitudes has been entirely caused by those dipshits in the other party,” said Dr. Stanley Pomeroy, adding that all these goddamn slobbering imbeciles and the biased media outlets they call news are primary drivers of the nation’s movement toward ideological extremes. “Our research clearly shows that ignorant assholes on the opposing side who never leave their personal echo chambers make the political sphere more contentious by continually spouting off stupid fucking opinions about issues they don’t even understand. Until these shit-for-brains voters stop casting their ballots for the wrong party, it’s unlikely things will get any better.” At press time, Pomeroy stressed that the only way to reverse the troubling effects of polarization was for the dumbfucks on the other side to disregard all their life experiences and change everything about the way they think.

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