MANAUS, BRAZIL—Citing a lack of support from those with no knowledge of the outside world, a new Reuters poll out Thursday found virtually no enthusiasm for the impeachment of President Donald Trump among uncontacted tribes in the Amazon completely unaware of our political traditions. “Despite the escalation of the inquiry in recent weeks, impeachment has the backing of less than 1% of people who have never encountered Western-style democracy and live in small, remote tribes hidden deep in the rainforest,” said Reuters poll analyst Chris Kahn, explaining that a month of depositions “hasn’t moved the needle at all” among indigenous hunter-gatherers entirely unfamiliar with our nation, its leaders, and its constitutional precedents. “This is a huge problem for Democrats. Go into these totally isolated communities that exhibit only a loose form of what we would call political structure, and you won’t find anyone demanding impeachment. Talk to individuals who possess no concept of a social contract in which the state exists solely to serve the will of the people, and none of them will tell you Donald Trump should be removed from office. It’s that simple.” Kahn went on to remark that if Democrats wanted these numbers to change, they would have to begin by reaching out to people and presenting them with evidence that the United States exists.
More from The Onion