WASHINGTON—Explaining how human error or inaccuracy of the weaponry should eventually produce the desired result, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly ordered the military Thursday to increase bombing in Afghanistan after figuring that they’ll miss and hit Iran at some point. “I am ordering a sustained bombing offensive in Afghanistan since there’s a really good chance that if we launch enough missiles, one of them has to veer off course and eventually strike Iran,” said Pompeo, adding that they are going to make sure to put their most inept military commanders in charge of the air attacks and just wait until one ballistic missile deviates and destroys a residential neighborhood in the Islamic Republic. “Instead of directly engaging with Iran, we’re just going to send a bunch more drones to Afghanistan and let our incompetence play itself out. Given our track record, it really shouldn’t take too long.” At press time, Pompeo decided that the U.S. military might as well ratchet up bombing in Syria and Yemen to make it happen faster.
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