PARADISE, NV—In an effort to ensure that voters watching at home could follow the discussion onstage without distraction, the Commission on Presidential Debates announced it would be anesthetizing the audience at UNLV’s Thomas & Mack Center ahead of the final presidential debate Wednesday night. “We would like to let those in attendance know that we are now administering the anesthetic, so please sit back in your seats, relax, and breathe in deeply until you feel it taking effect,” said Debate Commission co-chairman Michael D. McCurry over the public address system, explaining as a steady stream of desflurane gas poured into the auditorium that the crowd needed to be fully sedated before the debate began in order to prevent any shouts, jeers, or applause that could interrupt or unduly influence the proceedings. “Now, I would like everyone to begin counting backward from 100. The debate will be over before you know it.” At press time, members of the Debate Commission were rushing to pump more gas into the venue, as the candidates’ opening remarks appeared to be cutting through the anesthesia and causing hundreds of attendees to moan in discomfort.

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