Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents

WASHINGTON—Strutting into the Capitol like she had some kind of electoral mandate, presumptuous congressional freshman Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (D-FL) thought Thursday that she could just come in and start representing her constituents. “I’m sorry, big shot, but that’s just not the way things work around here,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, explaining that the Florida representative needed to spend at least her first three terms memorizing obscure parliamentary procedures, sucking up to party leaders, and groveling to corporate donors before she could even consider drafting a law benefiting her home district. “She can’t just waltz in here with a list of demands from her constituents and do something about it. Christ, the fucking gall, thinking she can just represent the beliefs and desires of the people who elected her. She’s out there holding town halls and tweeting about healthcare—who the hell does she think she is? Here’s some advice, Debbie: Wait until you’re a cynical, shallow husk of yourself, and only then will you be ready to properly govern. Otherwise, you keep your head down, you vote for what we put in front of you, and you fundraise.” Hoyer, who grew visibly agitated, recommended that the novice lawmaker quit rabble-rousing and get back to him when she’s 75 and a millionaire.

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