Illustration for article titled Report: 70% Of Trump Endorsements Made After Staring At Bedroom Ceiling For 4 Hours

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center, approximately 70 percent of public officials who endorse Donald Trump for president do so after staring at their bedroom ceiling for at least four hours. “We polled 90 prominent GOP members who have come out in support of Donald Trump in recent weeks, and concluded that the majority of these statements were made after these officials lay in their bed and stared vacantly up at the blank expanse of ceiling above them for quite some time, typically between the hours of midnight and 5 a.m.,” said lead researcher Petra Driscoll, who later confirmed that two in three Trump endorsements were spoken aloud in public by Republican leaders while they silently dug their fingernails into their palms out of view of any cameras. “Our findings show that the remainder of those who publicly endorsed Trump, roughly 30 percent, did so after lying facedown on their bed quietly groaning into their pillow for about an equal amount of time.” Researchers further noted that every one of the survey respondents stated that immediately after endorsing Trump, they spent the next three days once again staring up at their bedroom ceiling.

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