Illustration for article titled Report: GOP Tax Bill Supported By Majority Of Americans Currently Suffocating Wealthy Benefactor With Pillowem/em

WASHINGTON—Citing robust support for its measures including a sharp reduction or outright repeal of the estate tax, a new report published Thursday revealed that the Republican tax overhaul is supported by a majority of Americans currently suffocating their wealthy benefactor with a pillow. “Both the House and Senate tax plans enjoy a healthy 87 percent approval rating among citizens whose hands are tightly gripping a pillowcase and firmly pressing it down over the face of a bedridden family member or patron until they stop struggling,” said lead author Alice Zarzycki, noting that nearly nine in 10 Americans whispering “shh, shh, sleep now” as their thrashing benefactor landed increasingly feeble blows to their arms and chest indicated that the proposed legislation would considerably improve their personal financial situation. “This level of support even outpaces that of other groups who have endorsed the tax plans, including Americans lying under a Rolls Royce clipping its brake lines or currently pushing their elderly charge’s wheelchair toward the edge of a tall spiral staircase.” Zarzycki went on to say that the 13 percent disapproval rate came primarily from Americans who had smothered their benefactor without first altering the will to name themselves as the sole heir.


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