WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by political scientists at Georgetown University, not one of the 31 American citizens who actually possess the wisdom, integrity, poise under pressure, and sound judgment to be president of the United States is running in the 2016 election. “Of the less than three dozen currently-living Americans who have a hopeful and coherent vision for this country, as well as the leadership ability to see such a vision through to realization, not a single one is on the ballot in any state,” said political science professor Olivia Lin, noting that among the list of Americans capable of serving competently as commander-in-chief—which includes a U.S. Marines veteran, three emergency room nurses, and a Kia dealership manager in central Ohio—most had not even momentarily entertained the notion of running for president. “This November, American voters will simply not have the option of casting their ballots for anyone with the skill set and maturity necessary to be leader of the free world. That is, unless a contested Republican convention somehow ends up nominating 84-year-old former accountant Mildred Sherman of Hattiesburg, MS, or one of the 30 other qualified individuals in the nation.” The report noted, however, that five of the estimated 280,000 Americans who are selfish and deluded enough to believe they would serve admirably as president were currently running for the office.

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