Illustration for article titled Republicans’ Congressional Agenda For 2017

Immediately dismantle President Obama’s landmark Clarification Of Treatment Of Electronic Sales Of Livestock Act


Simplify tax code so working class Americans know exactly how much they’re being fucked

Learn the names of more female body parts to regulate

Confirm the lengthy backlog of Obama’s judicial appointments they haven’t had time to get to over the last few years


Disentomb sarcophagus of Grand Emperor Thogos, the 2,000-year-old Republican senator who was to be awoken only once the Golden Age of Far-Right Policymaking had begun


Hesitantly confirm a secretary of state named Rex

Create easier access to abortion clinic doctors’ homes

Some nice things for the good folks over in Wisconsin’s 1st district

Set ambitious benchmarks for lowering amount of O2 released into atmosphere over next 50 years


Get rid of that family of raccoons that’s been living in the Capitol dome

Send President Trump weekly email reminders of what the GOP platform is to help him stay on track


Kick back and enjoy a few of those cute little filibusters by Senate Democrats

Relearn how to applaud during a State of the Union address

Salt the earth behind them


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