Republicans Storm National Statuary Hall, Demand To Be Allowed Into Elijah Cummings’ Casket

WASHINGTON—Staging the protest in response to what they called “a lack of transparency,” House Republicans stormed the National Statuary Hall Thursday, demanding to be allowed inside Elijah Cummings’ casket. “As voting members of Congress, we have an obligation to our constituents to get inside and find out what’s in there—it could be anything,” said Matt Gaetz (R-FL), who explained how a closed-casket viewing went against the very foundations of American democracy while House Minority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA) and Steve King (R-IA) furiously pounded their fists against the coffin. “Right now, it’s an all-Democratic casket. Not even the press are allowed inside. We’ve been knocking all morning and have yet to receive a response, those cowards!” At press time, freaked-out House Republicans were calling for a counter investigation after discovering a body inside the casket.

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