WASHINGTON—In an effort to allay concerns over how the abrupt removal of Obamacare would impact millions covered by the legislation, House Republicans pledged Tuesday that they would not dismantle the healthcare law without first putting in place a detailed and comprehensive plan for disposing of patients’ disease-ridden corpses, sources confirmed. “We want the American people to know that we will not, under any circumstances, repeal the Affordable Care Act until we have a full, working Republican alternative for disposing of participants’ withered, virus-infested remains,” said House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), adding that current enrollees can rest assured that the GOP is working tirelessly to draft provisions that will ensure every single Obamacare recipient can have their ashen and tumor-riddled carcass cremated, buried, or dissolved in a quick and efficient manner at minimal cost. “To those presently insured under the ACA, you can expect a smooth transition in the weeks ahead from your current coverage to our much cheaper, easier, and more convenient corpse-elimination plan. Your putrid lifeless body and the putrid lifeless bodies of your loved ones will be well taken care of—that’s our party’s guarantee to you.” McCarthy added that Americans will also be pleased to know that free-market competition will keep down the fees associated with the GOP’s plan, as all current Obamacare beneficiaries will soon have the option of having their moldering corpses disposed of across state lines.

Advertisement