NOVATO, CA—While following coverage of an unnamed government employee bringing forth a complaint that President Donald Trump had asked Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate the son of presidential candidate Joe Biden, Resistance Democrat Kathy Gillford was reportedly racking her brain Thursday to sexualize the anonymous whistleblower. “He’s being so brave standing up for his country and resisting President Cheeto, it just makes me so excited, but I’m having some trouble deciding exactly how I want to picture him—do I want the whistleblower to be a suave James Bond type in a suit, or more of a ripped, muscular superhero?” said Gillford, 49, who added that she was hoping to visualize a fantasy version of the whistleblower that could bring her to a shuddering climax matching the intensity that the thought of a shirtless, oiled-up Robert Mueller did during his special investigation. “I just want to masturbate to the justice of it, but the image in my mind is lacking a certain specificity right now. It was so easy when I was thinking about how alluring it was watching Preet Bharara stand up to the president, and I still remember how hard I came when I pictured that rugged silver fox James Mattis tell he-who-shall-not-be-named that he was putting country over party. I’ll think of something, though, even if it’s just imagining the whistleblower with a six-pack and flowing hair riding a horse like I did with Adam Schiff. Put it this way—I’d let him in on my state secrets.” At press time, 2,849 other users had commented on her Facebook post about the whistleblower describing the ways they had sexualized the anonymous official and what they wanted him to do to them.
More from The Onion