Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

Illustration for article titled Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

Donald Trump made the financial disclosures this week required of all presidential candidates, divulging his job titles, assets, and other information in a 92-page report. Here are some things we learned about Trump in these documents:

  • Forced to work 487 different jobs just to keep empire afloat
  • Values of Trump’s assets have risen in correlation with nation’s contempt for him
  • Made $1.75 million last year telling large crowds how pitiful and classless they are
  • Credit score a respectable 720
  • Trump has saved over $8 million by not bothering to come up with a different name for any of his businesses
  • Though Trump’s books are not the biggest moneymakers, getting a book published in this economy is a huge accomplishment in itself
  • Made majority of his wealth by buying up millions of ‘Forever’ stamps years ago and waiting for their value to increase
  • Nine months away from paying off 2012 Corolla
  • Trump’s personal brand of tectonic plates, currently covering one-eighth of the earth’s lithosphere, generated $400 million in revenue last quarter
  • Trump’s wife, Melania, currently valued at $1.2 million
  • Investments unfortunately too well diversified to see him suddenly bankrupted by unexpected market shift
  • Considers most valuable asset to be satisfaction at a life well lived
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