Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

Illustration for article titled Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Expressing bewilderment at the complete lack of response by the media and authorities, members of a right-wing militia told reporters Monday they were wondering when someone would notice they’ve been holding Governor J.B. Pritzker hostage for the last few months. “We thought Illinois residents would be devastated once they discovered their governor had been kidnapped, shutting down the state, doing everything in their power to get him back, but no one’s even answered our ransom letter,” said Mark Johnson, member of the Constitutional Defenders militia group, adding that they had left several anonymous voicemails for television stations and law enforcement and even dropped the amount of ransom by a few thousand dollars, but so far, everyone has continued to go about their daily business. “We sent several packages containing the governor’s severed fingers out to various family members, and even those were returned unopened. If no one responds to our livestream of Pritzker chained up in the basement, I just don’t know what we’re going to do, because right now we’re losing money having to feed him.” At press time, the Constitutional Defenders put it to a vote to cut their losses and dump Pritzker somewhere way out in Lake Michigan.

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