'You Are Our Supreme Leader,' Legions Of Miniature Pauls Say In Unison
NEW TEXAS, GALAXY OF LIBERTARIUS—In the largest political victory of his career, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) was elected Supreme Ruler of the planet of New Texas today, a remote, fiscally conservative planet populated by 1 billion tiny versions of himself.
"My people, I stand before you today to announce that I, Ron Paul of Earth, accept this position as your planet’s benevolent ruler," said Emperor-elect Paul, smiling before millions of 18-inch-high Ron Pauls, who alternately applauded, cheered, and chanted, "You are our supreme leader," at a victory rally held minutes after the Ron Paul News Network declared him the projected winner of the 2012 election. "From this day forth, the planet of New Texas shall be a veritable utopia for Ron Pauls of all sizes."
Standing below the 50-foot solid-gold Ron Paul statue that adorns the city plaza of Paulville, New Texas' capital city, Paul thanked the crowd and promised to "do right by the people of New Texas, who made the right choice at the polls today." Ten minutes of sustained applause later, Paul took a moment to raise his campaign manager, Ron Paul CCN-14139-093, to eye level and personally thank him for "knocking this one out of the park." Paul then thanked his wife, Carol, and their five children who, not being Ron Paul, will live in orbit around New Texas.
After eight more minutes of applause, Paul promised sweeping reforms throughout New Texas.
"From here, we proceed into a new era of lean government, low taxes, and personal liberty, not just for the ruling class, but for each and every hardworking, right-thinking miniature replica of myself," he announced to the high-pitched squeals of the cheering throng. “Together, we shall build a better New Texas and a better Libertarius!”
The cheers were followed by several minutes of the crowd chanting "Ron, Ron, Ron," the tossing of tiny hats into the air, and 30 minutes of meticulously choreographed spectacle in which thousands of Ron Pauls in color-coded outfits marched, danced, and formed images from the life and career of their new leader. Finally, a parade carried Paul from the city courthouse down Paul Boulevard to the Imperial Palace, the procession joined by countless legions of Ron Pauls and a teeny, tiny 200-piece brass band.
Paul will be the first individual to lead the planet of New Texas, an Earth-sized world with abundant precious metals that form the basis of its economy. The planet had previously been overseen by a council of learned Ron Paul duplicates in strict accordance with the policies of Ron Paul.
The victory caps a smooth and non-contentious election in which no other candidate was seen as a serious contender. After beginning his campaign for the throne this summer, running on the Ron Paul Party ticket, Paul quickly gained a 100 percent lead in polls against his top challenger, former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson. Political observers said Paul quickly charmed and gained the trust of the identical-to-Ron-Paul-in-every-respect-but-size demographic—considered essential to his victory—by stressing such trademarks as fiscal responsibility, support for privatized health care, and being Ron Paul.
According to pollsters, Gary Johnson's campaign was effectively over following a debate in which, after Johnson called for the creation of a planetary Federal Reserve system with broad authority, hundreds of audience members swarmed over him and beat him with tiny little sticks.
"Henceforth, none shall dare oppose the mighty Ron Paul," RPNN political analyst Ron Paul EGN-40182-177 said after the first and only debate. "All hail our unopposed leader!"
Pundits across the known universe said Ron Paul would be an excellent match for New Texas, given the planet's history as a conservative, libertarian world known for low taxes and drug legalization.
"You could hardly find a better leader for New Texas than Ron Paul," MSNBC commentator Chris Hayes said. "The broad ideological parity and complete genetic indistinguishability among the planet’s citizens makes Paul a true man of the people in every sense of the word."
Paul's non-interventionist policies may preclude any diplomatic link between New Texas and Earth's governments; however, Paul is said to remain open to building an embassy on the neighboring world of Q'adrillicus, a planet of sentient ocean reefs that support phasing out Social Security and Medicare.
Paul's coronation will occur Nov. 10. According to sources, the coronation ball's theme will be "Ron Paul."