NORILSK, RUSSIA—Following the president’s disclosure that the purpose of the controversial June 2016 Trump Tower meeting was in fact held to collect opposition research on Hillary Clinton, hundreds of Russian orphans were devastated Monday after realizing that Donald Trump Jr. did not in fact call Russian lobbyists to the headquarters of his father’s business in order to arrange their adoptions. “We truly believed the nice Americans were going to save us from this hopeless life of hardship and toil,” said Evgeny Mikhailov, age 9, tearfully unpacking a small suitcase in his boarding house room in a frigid industrial city at the northernmost edges of Siberia and comforting his six hungry, tired siblings as best he could while they sobbed themselves to sleep. “This was the glimmer of hope we needed after the tractor factory took our Mamka and Papenka, but we learn now that all is a sham. We thought the Americans really cared for us, but they were just trying to cover their deceitful tracks.” The more than 25,000 orphans betrayed by the scandal have gone on record to express their satisfaction at learning how President Putin was at least helping oppose the deceitful Trump by supporting American Democrats.

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