CLEVELAND—Shaking their heads as they looked out at the vast expanse of urban sprawl and blighted neighborhoods spreading out in all directions, members of a Secret Service sniper team positioned on a rooftop outside the Republican National Convention were reportedly left deeply depressed Monday by their view of Cleveland. “Jesus Christ, it’s just miles of gray and brown no matter where you look,” said Secret Service agent George Kelley, who sighed deeply after shifting his gaze from the city’s sparse, drab skyline to a congested highway flanked on both sides by vacant lots and decrepit buildings. “Man, I thought maybe if I looked the other way I would feel better, but there’s just a murky river full of floating garbage on this side. I just hope I can come down soon.” At press time, Kelley had reportedly become even more depressed upon zooming in on a potential threat standing beside the city’s abandoned, boarded-up aquarium.

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