‘He Knows Absolutely Nothing About Anything,’ Says Panel

WASHINGTON—Confident that their findings represented a clear step forward in the ongoing Russia investigation, the Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump Jr. has no knowledge. “After questioning him many times, we can confirm that Donald Trump Jr. knows absolutely nothing about anything; he’s a vapid, empty vessel,” said committee chairman Richard Burr, adding that thorough interrogation of the President’s eldest son left the panel with no reason to believe he had any information to disclose about himself, the world around him, or even the most basic of concepts such as shapes, colors, or simple numbers. “So far, our investigation has yielded no evidence that Donald Trump Jr. has the ability to retain or even process information, let alone form that information into thoughts. By all accounts, the man is barely sentient.” The committee went on to confirm that a recent questioning of brother Eric Trump resulted in a surprising amount of information regarding dinosaurs and fire trucks.

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